return of the blogger (maybe)

I haven't blogged since our return home from China, or thereabouts. Nine months along now, we have more or less adjusted to the newness of our new family.

Adopting a child is analogous to having a new baby, in that your world is turned upside down for awhile, you question your sanity, your judgement and your ability to cope, then you do cope and things start to settle down, and you wonder what all the fuss was about. This new kid is GREAT! We should all have five or ten more!

JuanJuan has made a gradual adjustment, and so have we. She had a long honeymoon, guardedly getting to know us and checking out what this new family, country and situation was about before she let loose and grieved, showed her anger and expressed fears. We're not really in the clear, still seeing occasional bouts of all of the above. AND she's a 12 year old girl, so emotions are all over the map. But she's doing great, getting more and more settled, and more and more comfortable with us. And we with her. I can truthfully say I love this child. I think the rest of the family concurs...we all love JuanJuan. And I think she loves us, too.

We're not a perfect family. I am not the neatest, most organized mother in the world. I tend to forget things, misplace things. I do make a tremendous effort to be where I'm supposed to be, do what I need to do, and make sure my kids get the things they need from me, and from the world at large. Juan is learning to trust that I will show up, do the job, and make sure her needs are met.

We are getting past some of the expected older adopted kid behaviors.

She has learned about earning things she wants rather than demanding and expecting everything to be given to her.

She earned an iPod touch by getting straight A's on spelling and math tests for an extended period of time. This was a huge deal for her, in light of the fact that she flipped out and had extensive tantrums at Christmas time because she didn't get all the expensive goodies her friends (adopted and close by) got. Honestly, it wasn't a spartan Christmas...she got some pretty good stuff! But it wasn't EVERYTHING, and it wasn't EVERYTHING that EVERYBODY ELSE got. We had a long term discussion, days and days, about how we get things, what things parents provide, how to get other things we just 'want'. A light went on in her eyes when I suggested earning money by getting good grades. I've never paid for grades before, but it's a win-win. Study habits, learning english and improving math, she feels good about herself, and she finds a legitimate way to get this cool expensive thing she wants. What's not to like?

She is learning about fairness amongst siblings. From standing outside her siblings' doors literally counting the seconds that I spent with them, vs. time spent with her, we've now moved on to her being satisfied with ten minutes at bedtime being sacred 'Juan Only' time, and understanding (I think) that sometimes people just need more time with mom or dad, and that she will have her time when she needs it.

She is learning that, lame and flaky as I am sometimes, I do come through. She does not need to control everything. She is safe with me.

Today is her birthday. She is 12. She wanted cupcakes for her class today. This is the middle school norm, and I was expecting to provide the traditional treat.

Last night, she had a breakdown/meltdown because I had not yet baked the cupcakes. I explained, in our family Chinese/English patois, that I would be bringing cupcakes at lunchtime, as teachers usually want them served in the afternoon, just before last recess or before school is out. This was NOT OK. She wanted them to go with her to school in the morning... they needed to be baked that night. And she doubted my ability to bake decent birthday cupcakes at all...I should buy them at the store instead.

This led to a lot more discussion about some 'not fair' things she was upset about. The bottom line is trust. Will I do what I say I will? Will it be good enough? We talked about anger, about expectations, about demanding vs. asking, etc. And we talked about the very pragmatic issue of whether it was productive to be really mad and mean to someone if you want them to do something nice for you.

She was still mad when she got to school this morning. And the cupcakes were delivered at lunchtime. I'm interested to see what she has to say after school. Were the cupcakes cool enough? Were they the right flavor? Will she be rude or nice about it?

Tonight: ooohh, the birthday party! We have plans. She has made a list of demands :) and we'll see if she can make herself happy with the nice birthday we will provide. I really do want her to be happy and enjoy her day, but I am not going to cater to her insecurity to the extent that I am going to give her everything she asks for. So...we'll see. She will get some of the things she wanted. And some things she didn't ask for. There are some surprises in store that she isn't expecting.

It's all very interesting. I feel like I am getting to be pretty good at this, which is a sure sign than I'm in for a rude awakening.

Good stuff: she is a very good girl. She cares about other people. She is smart. She is thoughtful. She is funny, she is talented.

Bad stuff: none. Or...the bad stuff is the stuff we have to deal with that still hasn't come up. Abandonment. Loss. ...all that stuff that's probably on the list for adolescence.

Challenging stuff: Oh, what about a 12 year old isn't challenging from time to time? I'm glad she's my seventh and not my first. I am not making the mistakes I made with my oldest (sorry, Sarah). But she's turned out exceedingly well in spite of my shortcomings.

Upshot: We are blessed to have another daughter, one so ready to learn and try and make such a tremendous effort to adjust. Can you imagine yourself at 11, carried off by strangers to a strange land? She has done phenomenally well. We are so lucky!

Strangers, always Chinese nationals, when they know why she's with us will say "She is a lucky girl"
Strangers, always Anglo/Amerians, when they know why she's with us will say "You must be wonderful/amazing people!" both make me cringe a bit. She's our daughter. We're lucky. She's amazing.